I have been purposely taking a break from blogging lately because I have been going through a lot in the last couple of months, things that I'm not sure how to deal with or how to feel. They say that it's best to talk about your feeling, but me, when I'm feeling anything I tend to keep it to myself. I don't like to feel vulnerable or judged. However, I'm beginning to realize that because of this many of my relationships have suffered and not just lately, so I'm trying to reach out and change.
From the last post you know that I lost a friend in the last month, one of my greatest friends from high school. It 's hard to describe what it's like to lose a friend on the age of 22. At this age you normally don't think about death, you have your whole life ahead of you. Over 800 people came to Matt's funeral, young, old, best friends and people who barely knew him. The hardest thing to me was to watch the pallbearers, some of which were my best friends in high school that I had never seen cry. I had to sit there and watch while they carried our friend and our classmate with tears streaming down their faces and such pain in their eyes. It was a very daunting feeling to sit and watch his funeral, so many young people gathered for such a sad occasion. And then although it's hard to believe after you've lost someone, the world goes on like nothing happened, like nobody remembers and life problems just keep coming. For a while I felt that my problems were so petty and insignificant after Matt's death and it took me a while to realize that I had to still deal with them.
In the last month, I've had to say goodbye to the person that I need most, Jon. It's not like we have never been apart but in the past there was always an end, like the end of summer or winter break. This time we don't know how long we will be apart, and the possible permanence of the situation is what makes it so hard. This was the year we were suppose to be together all year and it's difficult to accept that it's not happening. In addition to dealing with being apart, it's becoming harder to see him struggle with trying to find a job and I know that it's starting to wear on him. The poor thing, he would be such a great asset to any company and has such a great resume but has had no luck in this economy. In the end it's hard not to take out the stress on each other.
Also this month I've left the house and place that I've called home for the past 4 years. My family has been so welcoming since I have moved back home and my parents are amazing. However, I'm having anxiety about the upcoming school year. It's my last year, the most important year and I have no idea what I'm doing because it's all going to be in a new place. I don't know how I'm going to get to school, how I'm going to get home, how I'm going to get projects to school or whether I'm going to be working late at school or not. The unknowing of the situation is killing me.
However I know this, I have always been a planner. I've known what I wanted to do since the 7th grade and I also knew where I wanted to go to school, I know what I'm wearing tomorrow, my plans for the next three days and yes I also have a 5 year plan. I plan because it makes me feel better, like I'm in control somehow and when I can't plan I get anxiety, this is my conclusion. Now I told someone how I was feeling so don't judge me.
