In the last month

I have been purposely taking a break from blogging lately because I have been going through a lot in the last couple of months, things that I'm not sure how to deal with or how to feel. They say that it's best to talk about your feeling, but me, when I'm feeling anything I tend to keep it to myself. I don't like to feel vulnerable or judged. However, I'm beginning to realize that because of this many of my relationships have suffered and not just lately, so I'm trying to reach out and change.

From the last post you know that I lost a friend in the last month, one of my greatest friends from high school. It 's hard to describe what it's like to lose a friend on the age of 22. At this age you normally don't think about death, you have your whole life ahead of you. Over 800 people came to Matt's funeral, young, old, best friends and people who barely knew him. The hardest thing to me was to watch the pallbearers, some of which were my best friends in high school that I had never seen cry. I had to sit there and watch while they carried our friend and our classmate with tears streaming down their faces and such pain in their eyes. It was a very daunting feeling to sit and watch his funeral, so many young people gathered for such a sad occasion. And then although it's hard to believe after you've lost someone, the world goes on like nothing happened, like nobody remembers and life problems just keep coming. For a while I felt that my problems were so petty and insignificant after Matt's death and it took me a while to realize that I had to still deal with them.

In the last month, I've had to say goodbye to the person that I need most, Jon. It's not like we have never been apart but in the past there was always an end, like the end of summer or winter break. This time we don't know how long we will be apart, and the possible permanence of the situation is what makes it so hard. This was the year we were suppose to be together all year and it's difficult to accept that it's not happening. In addition to dealing with being apart, it's becoming harder to see him struggle with trying to find a job and I know that it's starting to wear on him. The poor thing, he would be such a great asset to any company and has such a great resume but has had no luck in this economy. In the end it's hard not to take out the stress on each other.

Also this month I've left the house and place that I've called home for the past 4 years. My family has been so welcoming since I have moved back home and my parents are amazing. However, I'm having anxiety about the upcoming school year. It's my last year, the most important year and I have no idea what I'm doing because it's all going to be in a new place. I don't know how I'm going to get to school, how I'm going to get home, how I'm going to get projects to school or whether I'm going to be working late at school or not. The unknowing of the situation is killing me.

However I know this, I have always been a planner. I've known what I wanted to do since the 7th grade and I also knew where I wanted to go to school, I know what I'm wearing tomorrow, my plans for the next three days and yes I also have a 5 year plan. I plan because it makes me feel better, like I'm in control somehow and when I can't plan I get anxiety, this is my conclusion. Now I told someone how I was feeling so don't judge me.

Fallen Hero

There are no words to say how sad I am and so I'll make them few. Matt died this morning due to complication with an infection. I am so lucky to have known him and he put up a strong fight. I know that I will see him again someday. Please pray for his family.

http://www.oregonlive.com/news/index.ssf/2009/07/tualatin_marine_matthew_lembke.html

The Losing Battle

This is basically a long sob story that just made me feel better by getting it out...I apologize. lol

July 1th, Wednesday:
I think most of you know by now that I have fleas and I have been fighting a losing battle since last Wednesday. It all started last Wednesday when I thought I have bed bugs. I had been waking up with tons of bug bites on my feet and ankles and so I had to go to the laundromat to clean all my bedding (because my washer was broken and had flooded a corner of my basement).

July 2st, Thursday:
I thought this would solve the problem and then on Thursday night I found it in the bottom of my bed a tiny, black jumping flea! It was then I realized that my roommates mangy cat had given us fleas! So that night I stayed in until 2 am vacuuming and mopping my entire house in efforts to kill the little jerks.

July 3rd, Friday:
I woke up Friday morning and went to the bathroom by the time I got there I had 6 fleas on my feet... my house was infested! Jon and I immediately went to the store and bombed the house. I spent the day cleaning the house and even had to get work off to deal with the problem. This entire time I had sent text messages to my roommates and even called her once and left a voice message.... she chose to ignore me.

July 4th, Saturday:
I got to have a fun filled and flea free day

July 5th, Sunday:
Well Sunday came around and it seemed that the fleas were gone. My roommate came home around 9 and tried to bring the cat in... when I told her to keep the cat out because she had fleas I got, "oh really?". Like she has no idea... although I had texted and called her about the problem. She immediately left after that. Later that night, the fleas just started to multiple and I knew that I couldn't sleep at home that night or I would be eaten alive. I was about the drive up to Portland at 11:30pm but then Robbie came through for me. I was able to sleep on his girlfriend's pullout couch, although it was a 1980's pullout with no sheets or blankets... I was just thankful to not be at my house.

July 6th, Monday:
With little to no sleep I woke up at 8:30am and tried calling my roommate to go with me to get a bomb... no answer. At 10:30 she answered. We went to the pet store to buy another bomb and she was throwing phrases around like, "apparently we have fleas", and "I guess we have to bomb"... like there was no real problem at the house. This made me really angry the proof was on mine and Jon's feet and ankles!! After we bombed the house we were suppose to meet back to clean at 2pm... she showed and 3. I then started vacuuming and cleaning every inch of my house, including closets. I also started washing every linen and piece of clothing in the house. At 5 o'clock my roommate announced that she was leaving to go to her boyfriends house to "do her laundry". I told her that she needed to clean her room before she left. She responded by, "I'll do it first thing in the morning". I stayed up until 1am that night cleaning the rest of the house.

July 7th, Tuesday:
The next day, Tuesday, I woke up at 9am to continue washing my clothes and then I left for work at 3.... no sign of my roommate. She didn't show up until 4pm to clean her room and was only there for 1 hour. That night when I got home from a 6 hour shift at work, guess what... the fleas started pouring out of her room.... I cried. At this point I'm exhausted, frustrated and can't imagine going through all this again. All I asked of her was to clean a 12 by 12 room and she couldn't even do that... and I cleaned the entire house!! I decided to stick it out and sleep at my house that night since the fleas didn't seem to be in my room yet and I shoved a towel under her door (her towel). Jon and I called her, left voicemails, and text messages...ignored.

July 8th, Wednesday:
This morning Jon and I went back to the pet store bought two more bombs ($30) and headed straight back to the house. At the house we found my roommate panicked in the house, "are you bombing right now"... oh so she did get our texts and voicemails they didn't fall into the blackhole of messages. At this point the look on her face is half wants to cry and half she wants to kill me...like I'm doing this just to inconvenience her. I really wanted to say, "yes I'm doing this just to mess with you, I really enjoy not sleeping, being eaten alive, cleaning until 1 am and spending $65 on sprays!". She was being completely rude to me, ignoring me, not looking at me and then she finally says, " I don't know why we are bombing again, I mean I haven't seen any and I haven't been affected by it." Well that roommate is because you haven't been at the house! When we left the house being myself and still being nice even though I'm furious I said, "see you soon"... ignored. I have no idea what she has to be mad at me for... all I have done is try to fight this problem by cleaning and not sleeping.... she has done nothing but ignore me and the problem!

I'm now waiting for this bomb to do its work... let's hope it works. I'm extremely frustrated, angry, tired and $65 in debt to this problem.... thanks roomie!

Matt Update

I have been getting a lot of updates that Matt seems to be doing better. He is back in the States now and has been undergoing surgery every other day to keep internal bleeding under control. He is kept mostly awake now and is responding to people through blinking. He still has a long battle but day by day he is getting better. There was an article that came out today about Matt. There is a lot of information in there for those of you who are interested in learning more. I also heard from friends that he is on the front page of the Oregonian today?? I'm not sure but that is pretty great that so many people are paying their tributes to a local solider. He is so brave and I'm still praying for him and his family. You should be too!

Here is the link:
http://www.oregonlive.com/news/index.ssf/2009/07/oregon_marine_gravely_wounded.html

Updates

I am getting updates from my friend Nick.

1:10 pm
Matt lost his left leg below the knee and right leg above the knee and they are keeping him unconscious for now

2:45pm
"I just got a call from Carolyn (Matt's sister) they just got off the phone with the doctors in Germany. The internal bleeding is worse than originally thought so he is in surgery right now and they are hoping that they will be able to get in under control. The family is trying to get on the first flight to Germany to see him. The earliest he will be state side will be Sunday at this point."

The Few, The Proud

I got some horrible and shocking news last night, this is the type of thing that really hits you hard and unexpectedly. Most of you didn't know him but Matt was a dear friend to me in high school. We met my sophomore year in the weight room at Tualatin High School. I have memories of us singing to "Rock You Like" by Def Leppard in the weight room. Anyways, we became better friends throughout our high school years and ran in the same circle of friends. As most of us went to college, Matt went into the US Marines. He loved the work that he did, he sent us letters and picture of his whereabouts. He went to Hawaii for training and he truly loved it. In the past four years he has been back and forth from overseas to the US. Recently he was shipped to Afghanistan and he was only going to be there for 6 months and after that Matt would be done with his 4 years of service. Last night, I was informed that Matt was injured on a foot patrol in Afghanistan by an IED attack and he lost both of his legs. As of 9:45 pm on Tuesday the 23rd he was in stable condition with Strong Respiratory, Blood Pressure and Heart readings. As of Tuesday night, he will be in Germany within 24 hrs and in Maryland within 48 hrs.

This was the last email we got from him about two weeks ago:
"What's up dude, how you guys doing?! I received a letter from you guys a week or so ago but we just ran an internet line into our cell so I figured this would be much more simple and efficient. This place is absolutely ghastly. We are currently located in the district of Now Zad in Helmand province, Afghanistan. Our first month is already behind us, now only about half a year left. It's very hot and the insects are attrocious. The mountains are pretty cool lookin though and it's pretty green, which makes for a nice change of pace from Iraq. I gotta go, but hit me up with an update whenever you get a free moment and I will reply accordingly. Take it easy, and say hi to everyone worth saying hello to for me. Later dude!"

I spent almost all of last night awake. As an American it is so easy to forget the people that are fighting for our freedom right now so that we may live the lives that we do. This is the first time that this war has hit me personally and now I feel the pain that thousands of Americans have had to deal with. I feel so guilty and spoiled for the life that I have. I worry about petty things and argue with the people I love while thousands of Americans are risking their lives for me and you. This makes everything seem so irrelevant. While the rest of us are graduating from college, Matt is in a hospital bed.... it is just not fair. I am thankful now, more than ever, that my brother-in-law came home safely and in one piece. So I ask you all to please remember that you are so privileged and remember that people are fighting for you. They are giving up their freedom so that you might have yours. Please pray for Matt and his family and I will keep you updated as I learn more.

My All-American Boy

Well I can hardly believe it but it's only weeks away from the end of the school year. Jon is done with lacrosse now. They ended up going to nationals but unfortunately lost in the first round. However that didn't stop Jon from getting second team All-American! I'm so proud of him, he worked so hard to come back from his injury last year and he definitely came back even better. That is something that I love about him, he is so driven and determined. Anyways he and his team were in the local newspaper this week. Here's some links:

http://media.www.dailyemerald.com/media/storage/paper859/news/2009/05/20/Sports/Club-Lacrosse.Falls.To.Familiar.Foe.In.First.Round-3742830.shtml

http://mcla.us/2009/05/mcla-all-american/